The Train Wreck Solution

An experienced therapist was comforting new therapists. She was saying that when people are faced with overwhelming issues, there is nothing that they can do. When the patients are being faced with the loss of everything, all of their essential needs, it just takes a toll on the therapist because there is nothing to do except offer platitudes.

The younger therapists replied saying it was breaking them.

I disagree with the therapist. Facing the exact same situation myself, where I might lose everything in the next couple weeks, there are exercises I can do, that I am doing, that is not only maintaining my mental well-being but it expanding it to making me mentally healthier. Mentally healthier will equate to physically healthier which alleviates suffering and makes me more capable to accept and/or change my circumstances.

The answer has been around us all of our lives, but like most lessons, we fail to recognize it. Hakuna Matada, no worries, from the 1994 Disney movie is one example.

The Serenity Prayer from AA is also something that has been around all of our lives.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

These are all actually based upon ancient meditation teachings and is backed by current neuroscience studies.

There is a neuroscientist and meditation teacher named Shinzen Young that came up with a simple formula: Suffering equals pain times resistance.

From Lao Tzu, we get, “…if you are anxious, you are living in the future.”

Aye, I get it. Ancient wisdom and current neuroscience are not going to fix my problems. They will not feed me. They will not pay my rent, find me a job, or keep my car from breaking down.

I still practice some of my old escaping/unhealthy coping mechanism–I need to work on that. When finances are getting really tight, I start completely ignoring them. It doesn’t help anything, it doesn’t fix anything, but what it does do is make my mental health worse by not accepting it.

I know when my bills are going to hit and about when I’ll run out of food. It does not do any good to ignore it and is making my anxiety worse. By not accepting my negative emotions, I am amplifying them.

Years ago, this would have had me in a tight little ball on my floor, in tears and raked by waves of physical pain. It would push me into a non-functioning state. The Major Depression, PTSD and Anxiety Disorder would just cascade.

Nowadays? I’m throwing myself the shaka, breathing deep, and accepting the negative emotions to lower the resistance that amplifies the suffering, according to Young. By being open to these ideas, and beginning to integrate them into my life, more positive paths have opened in front of me.

Sharon Niv, Ph.D., on the Joyous website, explains that we have to accept our feelings, bad as well as good, accept it as opposed to physically opposing it, resisting it. Resistance leads to greater suffering. Relaxing into it leads to less suffering.

A big turning point for me, long before I learned about Young, Niv or even knew the word “neuroscience,” was when I had to take a flight during a very bad time of my life. My anxiety would go through the roof when I flew. It never stopped me from flying, but if I was sitting next to you on the flight? I’d be holding your hand, tightly, during take offs, landings and any turbulence.

The plane was not even moving yet and I was already tensing up. I was gripping the arm rests so tight that my knuckles were turning white. Out of nowhere, the thought hit me: what does it matter? My mind was tumbling through all of the “what ifs” and it reached the conclusion that nothing mattered.

Sort of like the 1983 movie, “War Games,” with a very young Matthew Broderick.

Seriously. It didn’t matter. At all. Yes, I was afraid of the plane crashing. What the hell could I possibly do if it did? I’ve walked away mostly unscathed from serious things, like a Class V hurricane and the deadliest train wreck in Amtrak history, at the time, on January 4th, 1987.

I would NOT be walking away from a plane crash. So, what did it matter if I worried or not?

Then, for the first time ever on a plane, I relaxed. I took long, deep breaths. For the first time ever on that flight, I realized that I enjoyed flying. Still do.

So, yes, my younger and older therapists, and their patients, and whoever else is about to lose all of your essential needs, there is something that you can do. It takes practice, it takes work, it takes the ability to be able to accept it, but it does help–or, at the very least, not make things worse.

Sometimes, just maintaining our mental wellness is a victory that can lead to better things.

Aloha (said with the shaka)

Just a thought. Maybe I understood the lesson better than I thought in 1987. When the trains collided, everybody screamed. I screamed.

I remember every moment. I remember thinking, “screaming is silly and is not doing me any good.” So, I stopped. I gathered myself up off the floor, found the door, forced the twisted steel open, and led the way off the train. Then, not knowing what else to do, I went back along the snaking train, found my original car, climbed in, and found my bags.

Then, I had to go find a phone to call mom, and explain to her why I would not make her deadline of being home before dinner. I thought I had a pretty good excuse for once.