Blade Runner 2025: Non-Functioning Depression

My last depressive episode was possibly my worst. I now think that was a good thing.

It was like the end of Blade Runner, the original with Harrison Ford and Rutger Hauer. At the very end, the replicant, Hauer, is shutting down. Hauer’s replicant series was coded with a lifespan that was nearing its end. Hauer is seeking a longer lifespan.

My last depressive episode was unlike any other I have had. One of the blessings/curses of my life has been that I have extremely high-functioning depression. No matter what, I have been able to continue to push myself, do things, accomplish things.

That changed in July of 2025.

There was a part of me that always wished I could be like my mother. When her depressive episode hit, she could not get out of bed for days. She was unable to do anything. I write often about how it was light a cartoon style (think Roadrunner) 12-story high neon sign with fireworks going off. “There is something seriously WRONG with this person! They need help!”

I never had that–and never got the help I truly needed. When I received my multiple diagnosis, back when I was 30, the psychologist even remarked that he was surprised I was able to make it in to see him and was not hospitalized.

I received some crisis counseling. I was put on medication. I was sent on my way. In a few months, I was fine. I kept taking my meds, thinking everything was okay, and just dealing with the depressive episodes as they hit. It just became a fact of my life.

During that time when I was 30 was also a perfect example of why I think high-functioning depression can be a curse. It’s a story in and of itself, but some friends had wanted me to move in with them following a traumatic event. Despite my protests, as I knew what was coming, they insisted.

I went through a period of decompensation where my mind basically shredded. As I was still able to minimally function, they saw my unhealthy coping mechanisms, and saw them as me. I was having an epic battle against suicide. They saw me as being a lazy piece of shit and threw me out.

It was much the same in 2025, but there was something decidedly different. I was like Hauer in Blade Runner. I was trying to make things happen while slowly winding down. High functioning phased to functioning. Functioning was slowly phasing to non-functioning.

The outside perception of me was still much the same, but I was about to lose everything. I could not react to any of the impending crisis I saw coming. I could not employ even unhealthy coping mechanisms as they were now gone. I was clawing at the state system for help when I could manage the energy, but was rebuffed time and time again.

I was at the end. Slowly winding down. Slower. My last resort was to put myself in the hospital, say the magic words, and force the state to help me.

Friends stepped in and bought me more time. –they literally bought me time, paying for my rent, food and gas so I could continue another month or two.

Yes, I was taking my medications religiously, but they weren’t working anymore–or not doing enough. I had long known I needed better meds. That was part of what I was after with the state: better meds and better treatment.

As I am not writing this from a hospital room, you can tell things worked out for me. The time my friends bought me was time I needed. Things began to happen that I needed to happen. I started a new job. I started a new medication. I began functioning again.

When I began thinking clearly again, I started looking at the depressive episode as something very different. At 54, why non-functioning? Why the steady decline to non-functioning? Why hadn’t my coping mechanisms kicked in?

I remember distinctly that I had two suicidal thoughts, just passing things, meaningless, that flitted away as quickly as they came. That was very different. I had put suicide behind me a few years back, but the swarming thoughts, a nervous system in distress, was something I had come to expect. The swarm had not been there. Why?

It was not the new medication, though the new medication very quickly alleviated most of the last vestiges of my symptoms. The changes had occurred before the new medication. The quality of my episode had been different before reaching out for a lifeline to an online company, Joyous.

This is the tricky part. I cannot get into the new medication without naming it and discussing it. The medication unlocked a new life for me quicker than what would have happened naturally, what was happening naturally. It was the knowledge I gained from the Joyous website that unlocked the insights that are going into this column.

As there is so much misinformation and bias against the medication, I’ll save it for its own column. It all has to do, however, with the work I began in 2020, five years before the medication. The medication just hurries things along. In some cases, the medication can make it possible.

It has to do with a word: neuroplasticity.

I’m going to throw a Wikipedia definition at you, though you can look up the entire article and sources:

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Neuroplasticity, also known as neural plasticity or just plasticity, is the medium of neural networks in the brain to change through growth and reorganization. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to reorganize and rewire its neural connections, enabling it to adapt and function in ways that differ from its prior state. This process can occur in response to learning new skills, experiencing environmental changes, recovering from injuries, or adapting to sensory or cognitive deficits. Such adaptability highlights the dynamic and ever-evolving nature of the brain, even into adulthood. These changes range from individual neuron pathways making new connections, to systematic adjustments like cortical remapping or neural oscillation. Other forms of neuroplasticity include homologous area adaptation, cross modal reassignment, map expansion, and compensatory masquerade. Examples of neuroplasticity include circuit and network changes that result from learning a new ability, information acquisition, environmental influences, pregnancy, caloric intake, practice/training, and psychological stress.

Neuroplasticity was once thought by neuroscientists to manifest only during childhood, but research in the later half of the 20th century showed that many aspects of the brain exhibit plasticity through adulthood. The developing brain exhibits a higher degree of plasticity than the adult brain. Activity-dependent plasticity can have significant implications for healthy development, learning, memory, and recovery from brain damage.”

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In 2020, a time of another very bad depressive episode, I began making radical changes in my life. I had no idea what the word was, but neuroplasticity was what I was working with, striving towards. I wanted to change the way I looked at things, reacted to things, coped with things, and how I lived my life. I implemented physical and mental habits to help.

I guess it worked.

I had some massive setbacks in the following years, but I also made some great progress. My thoughts and coping mechanisms began to change. I think I had not settled on healthy coping mechanisms, but I had gotten rid of unhealthy coping mechanisms.

One example is anger. I was not angry anymore. I had found peace, aloha, and held onto that. It was difficult at times, and there are a few grudges I am still holding onto (You own me money Brandon!), but I am working on it.

Another example of an unhealthy coping mechanism was my addiction to strip clubs. I am not exactly sure when I earned my “two-year chip,” but I know it was in the winter in 2023/2024. I walked out of a strip club for the last time and have not been back since. I have no desire to go back.

There are other examples, but the end result was I was screwed, in a very good way.

July through October, I could not move forward, but I also could not slide backwards. No matter how bad the depression got, no matter how bad my situation became, I had hope. If I lost everything–and it was looking like I was going to–I knew I could start over in a healthy way. It might have taken a hospitalization, and then afterwards a shelter, but I was okay with that.

Finally, for the first time in my life, without realizing it at the time, I saw a way to move forward with purpose, passion and authenticity towards self-actualization.

This is what was happening, though I am only now able to put words to it.

In the final encounter between Ford and Hauer, Hauer chooses to save Ford’s life as he is slowly deactivating. I was doing the same. I will continue to do the same, though my healthy lifespan has been increased.

Aloha.