The Dark Triad of Anxiety

I know the cure for anxiety! I know how to beat the hell out of the Dark Triad and kick them to the curb and allow me peace! I just suck at it right now. Lousy. So, I’m just here, holding a jigsaw puzzle piece, twirling it in my fingers, wondering where the hell it fits.

I know the enemy, the Dark Triad: “what if,” “could happen,” and “might be.” They descend into my mind, crank up the heavy metal, and start a mosh pit.

I have the tools to evict them. They are all there. Lessons learned, usually the hard way, and bits and pieces I’ve picked up in my 54 years. I’ve made some in roads, but I’m still pretty much clueless as to they all fit together. Maybe by writing things out, how I best process things, I’ll be able to start to make better progress.

Aye, it worked for algebra.

High school algebra kicked my butt. I barely passed. Shouldn’t have passed. In all sincerity, completely honest, and with my stepfather to back me up, the only reason why the teacher passed me was because he did not want to see me the following year.

Looking back, I can’t blame him. I was an awful student in his class. I wanted to argue instead of being taught. I wanted to talk instead of listening. I also never wanted to do my homework.

Then came college algebra, 101, my first semester at The University of Miami. Things were very different. As a journalism major, I only had this one class for my math requirement and then I could put math classes behind me for the rest of my life. Six years later (I took two gap years), I walked in the first day of class a very different person.

There was a goal: keep my mouth shut and get the hell out of there, no matter how painful the experience was going to be. It was only for three months. 40 minutes, three days a week. Simple.

The professor came in and it was the EXACT same in high school. He started lecturing and doing problems on the board. I went home from class and did my homework, realizing he was drawing the problems directly from the textbook, said the tests would be directly from the textbook, and the textbook was really good. I did all of the problems at the end of the chapter instead of just the few the professor had assigned.

Wednesday was the same. Then, Friday came. Our first test. I got 100%. Even though attendance was mandatory, it was the last day I went to class except for Friday’s, test days. Aye, the class was held during ideal siesta time and I had found that working through the problems helped me understand everything. I even realized I enjoyed algebra.

At the end of the semester, I think I was the only student who walked away with a 100%.

Writing things out is how I process thoughts, how I gain and retain knowledge. So, let’s put this first puzzle piece in its place, the middle. It is the old knowledge I spoke about in another column, The Train Wreck Solution. The Serenity Prayer, the AA motto of taking it one day at a time, is a basic piece that I have to integrate.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

But how? I want to, but, as I mentioned, I’m pretty friggin’ clueless. So, I pick up the next piece of the puzzle. I start twirling it around in my fingers as the Dark Triad cranks up the sound and the mosh pit really gets jumping.

Jump around? Jump up, jump up and get down?

From basic algebra, we switch to cutting edge neuroscience. This piece gets placed on the edge, maybe even a corner. Yes, it’s a corner piece.

All of the latest articles on neuroscience, published in the most advanced journals, pretty much start with the exact same thing. All those ancient philosophers, Buddhist Monks, and meditation experts that have been dead for thousands of years? Well, yeah, they were right.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Yes, it’s okay, as an old man, to rage against the dying of the light. But raging against “what if, could happen, and might be” a few days from now is pretty silly if you think about it. Pointless.

An extreme form of this, fatalism, I do not recommend for most situations. I mean, it definitely worked to help me overcome my fear of flying. Seriously. What the hell can I do? If the plane crashes, it’s not like I’m walking away from it. My family might even save a few bucks on the cremation process as its already started. All I can think in those last few minutes is, “those beneficiaries better damn well obey my last wishes and spread my ashes, in the water, at South Point in Hawai’i. Even if they might be intermingled with the ashes from the puke bag.”

But let’s back up. Let’s talk about when death is not imminent. Let’s talk about a real-world issue, right now, that would usually have me in a dark place of anxiety. It’s a small issue, but can be applied to thousands of others I have faced, with the last few months particularly spiking the numbers.

Long story, but my car insurance is due soon and I don’t have the money for it. I currently don’t have any money. Especially today, on Saturday, with the mailman come and gone without dropping off a check I’m waiting for, there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Nothing.

I could jump into the mosh pit. Or, I could relax and enjoy this absolutely beautiful day. It’s a choice. It should be a simple choice, but my life has made it much more difficult. My brain, our brain, is wired to jump into the mosh pit. I’m conditioned to allow a cyclone of “what ifs”, “could happen’s” and “might be’s” enter my mind.

Those ancient, dusty old dead people make it easier to make the right choice. What they all said about the Dark Triad is pretty much the same: we are choosing to allow them in, allowing them to take control, because we are not living in the present, in the moment.

Okay, but how do we stop this? How do we evict them? Another piece is twirling in my fingers and I’m going to place it…just so.

Psychology teaches us something we all know and have heard. Fight or flight is one half of it. Humans evolved because of this, known as “Red Brain.” Danger! Fight or flight? What’s the best chance of survival? We are the ancestors of the people who made the right choice. The Dark Triad were their best friends. The people who did not cozy up to the Dark Triad became lunch for some predator or another.

The other half of it, rarely used, is Green Brain. This is the place where we are calm, at peace and safe. Where we are in the moment.

So, the trick of kicking out the Dark Triad, and not letting them in in the first place, is by practicing getting out of Red Brain and into Green Brain. As I mentioned, I suck at this. I’m now practicing it every day. Doing my homework.

At this moment, as you read this, is your life in physical danger? If you are reading this, you probably are not, as you did evolve from the people who made the right choices. You are most likely, though, still in Red Brain, with all of the very physical hormones and chemicals coursing through your system because of everyday stress.

Second, is there really any damn thing you could do about it at this moment? Probably not. Like me, I just have to wait and see what happens.

Another puzzle piece is coming into play. Yet another one twirling in my fingers.

How do I activate Green Brain, since Red Brain is just doing me harm? That’s the trick I’m working on.

We return to those ancient dead people. We learn how to meditate and come back into ourselves in the here and now. There are actual physiological processes going on here.

We need to ground ourselves in the here and now. A very simple practice is by taking a deep breath. That’s it. Just stopping. You know for a fact there is not a Saber Tooth Tiger two feet away from you so just stop, sit or stand, and take a deep breath.

A trick that I very recently learned is to merely slow the hell down. Aye, that amygdala is pumping. It has me overstimulated in fight or flight mode, and I am moving 100 miles an hour. …where I tend to be missing things, forgetting things, screwing things up, and generally just feeding back into the fight or flight mode. So, I slow things down.

Seriously, have you ever seen a Buddhist Monk running? Or even hurrying?

I hit the brakes, slow down, make myself be more aware of what I am doing and do it with calmness. That creates feedback that leads back into my Green Brain. Maybe I’m grilling up tiger steaks?

A final exercise for today, as I have already run on in this column, that will definitely have a part 2, is an exercise to help you come back into yourself, center, and ground.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Home. Centered. Grounded.

Stop. Look around. Notice five things you can see. Pull the plug on the metal band in your mind and notice four things you can hear. Put your arms around yourself, maybe give yourself a big hug, and notice three things you can touch. Unless you are at a zoo, smell two things, and one will not be a tiger. I promise you. Finally, notice one thing you can taste.

Aye, I get it. This is not the way we are hard wired to survive, the way we evolved, but it is the way to evolve further and bring us peace in our lives and mind. Like anything else we are not used to, it will take practice. I do see a time for me, however, where I’ll be able to slip into the Green Brain at will. I see a time where you can as well.

And now? My total lack of money and waiting for that check that may or may not come in on time? I’m going to go and sit outside in the sunshine and enjoy the warmth of it on my face.

Aloha.