The Eyes of Others

As children of trauma, and even as an adults, ugliness was done to us. Do not allow that ugliness to make you think you are ugly, body or spirit. Do not imagine that the ugliness is reflected back in the mirror.

This is something that I need to remind myself often, as I search for self-love and my authentic self. I have struggled with it throughout my life but things have gotten easier. I still hit rough patches, but then I look towards the truest mirrors in my life: the friends and family who love me. I allow their eyes to be my mirrors.

It has been a very difficult journey. I think the most difficult part was the beginning, finding the right people, the right mirrors.

When your life is littered with bad relationships, as mine was, unhealthy friendships, unhealthy romantic relationships, and even unhealthy family connections, where do I find the healthy mirrors?

The answer was in front of me the entire time.

During a time of reflection, during the lead up to my divorce from both my life partner and my business partner, I simply looked around. The question came to me, on a different topic, “why is water wet?”

[The question has to do with finding my baseline, a normal, to make as a goal.]

As a child in a very large family, and as a personable guy who knows hundreds if not thousands of people, I simply looked at them and evaluated them. At the time, I was 48.

It was like a scene in a movie I highly recommend, “The Legend of Bagger Vance” (no haters please: I know it was destroyed by critics but I also think the lessons in there go far beyond the criticisms). Will Smith has Matt Damon looking at the field, the entire field. All is blurry. As Will guides Matt to an objective, parts of the field become clear. All is still blurry, except for the objectives which become crystal clear.

It was like that. All was blurry as I scanned my entire field. My intention, without knowing it, was to find healthy examples. They came into crisp focus.

Many have been there all of my life. Others for short periods. Some that remained blurred surprised me, but I trusted my gut.

I examined these relationships I had with the people that came into crisp focus. Yes, they were there, healthy mirrors. It was a blend of friends, family and even acquaintances. Mostly platonic relationships, with some exes and even some that I let get away because I was not healthy enough to appreciate them and love them back the proper way at the time.

The common thread I had with all of them was healthy, loving relationships. As a heterosexual man, I even included my close male friends. These people loved me and taught me that I could both love myself, was worthy of being loved, and they taught me how to love back.

This would eventually evolve into setting healthy boundaries, that I learned from them.

I discovered that many of my unhealthy relationships had been because I had no boundaries. I learned that I removed myself or discarded healthy relationships because I ran into their healthy boundaries and it made me see something in myself that I did not like.

As I explored this more, it caused something to form, that an acquaintance and teacher guided me to understand.

I was not alone. Depression, and other mental illnesses, cause us to believe we are alone. We are not. These healthy relationships were the brightest points of light. Even the so-so ones were points. They created a web, a net.

All of my life, there had been this deep, dark hole that I made me terrified. In other practices, other treatments, I had tried to close that hole, cover it, but it never worked. It would always reopen.

The net, the mirrors I found in the eyes of others, caused me to be safe. Yes, I could fall into that deep, dark hole, but I would not get very far anymore. The net would catch me. My imagination and sense of humor would get involved at times and the net became like what you see at the circus where the performers are up high. They fall, and they bounce.

So, I’m bouncing at times, maybe doing flips that my actual body would not be able to do, and scanning this lovely, beautiful net made from the bright points of life and the connections in between.

Yes, I am a child of trauma. Traumatic things, horrible things, have been done to me. It was not always other’s fault. Sometimes it was. It was ugly.

The people that know me the best know all of these things. In their eyes, I do not see a reflection of that ugliness. I see a mirror of beauty. I see compassion and understanding. I see a desire for me to be happy and healthy.

In the eyes of others, the right others, I find the truest mirror.

Aloha