Working the program is one of my soap box issues as you can read about in The Mental Health Triangle. Taking the medication, setting the intention, mediating, and then working through exercises for the hour I give myself each day.
What is my goal? What is my main intention? Why am I taking this medication? It has been my lifelong dream to be free of this depression. Find normal. Be me.
That’s it.
A very long time ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depression, PTSD and Anxiety Disorder. I call it the trifecta. You can throw in childhood trauma, but I think that would be a part of the diagnosis. More recently, about 6-7 years ago, I was diagnosed with medication resistant depression.
Nobody really knows or understands. That’s because I have extremely high functioning depression. I am simply not the typical person that suffers from the trifecta. I am not the caricature of the person with major depression that others see.
It’s been both a blessing and a curse.
There have been many times in my life that I wish I could have been like my mom. Her major depression was like a cartoon. I’m thinking Road Runner in my mind. She would slip into a depressive episode, couldn’t get out of bed, and there would be the “beep, beep” with fireworks going off and a big, blinking neon sign saying, “There is really something wrong here! Help her!”
It’s not that way with me. High functioning, combined with medication resistant, means there are very bad things going on that nobody ever knows about because I can continue to function. Hell, I can’t even get the help I desperately need right now because I have to jump through hoops to get state aid.
Especially in these last few months, after losing my job, the thought has been persistent: go the hospital and say the magic words. I would be instantly admitted, get the Medicaid, see a psychiatrist, get different meds, possibly better ones, and get set up with a therapist.
I can’t. Somehow, someway, about three years ago, I got past the suicidal thoughts. I do not, cannot, go to the hospital now and say the lie, even though it would get me the help I need.
“Are you thinking of hurting yourself or others?”
I simply refuse to put that into my intention, back into my life.
“I suffered with suicidal ideation for 35-40 years, but I’m past that now” are NOT the magic words.
So, I continue to do my best, and make it through each day and each week, while looking for work, while looking for the income that could unlock my potential, and pierce the veil of my depression.
No, I’m not lying in bed all day. I got up, took my meds, had coffee, and meant to write this at about 9-10AM. It’s 7PM. I cannot tell you where the day went. It makes no sense. I cannot tell, from a personal level, where 30 years went. That makes even less sense.
This is not being a braggart, but you should see my resume. The comparison between what my professional resume looks like and what I want it to look like is mind boggling. That’s one of the problems with the “high functioning depression.”
When I am working, reacting, I am a monster. A beast. I did the impossible time and time again. I succeeded on projects where others failed miserably at for decades. Many people credit me with saving their livelihoods and an industry when we were swamped with the new technology. I worked insane hours to learn the tech and the founded a national association to teach others. I squeezed 38 hours into a 24-hour day.
When I am being, or trying to be, pro active about my self-actualization? When I am out of work and my depression is triggering? I’m at a loss.
This is where I can get into a lot of trouble. You get into the big “no-no’s” of therapy. The “What if’s” and “Should be’s.” But I am going to dive into a little bit of self-pity for you, just as an example, to explain.
I FINALLY published a book when I was 52. It should have happened at 25 or so, with 20 more after that. What if I had put the energy I did into an industry that I did not want to be a part of into my Gentler Insanities Anonymous, a project I first thought of back in college?
Not to get into politics, but also back in college I had an idea for a political news organization, The Fourth Estate. What could I have done with that?
There are really a dozen more examples. All covered by the veil of depression. At 54, my intention is to lift that veil. I want to simply have 24 hours in a day. I want my good, healthy. necessary eight hours of sleep, my 2-3 hours of pissing about at the beginning and end of the day, and then 13-14 hours of pursuing my personal/professional goals.
I started down the path a few years ago, but was sidetracked again. Live with passion, purpose and authenticity.
I’m going to go now. I am about to take my medication, later than I wanted, and work through my intention setting, mediation and exercises.
You are more than welcome to follow along. At 54, this is going to happen. I will pierce the veil. Finally.
Aloha
Gentler Insanities Anonymous 
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