Starting the Day with Intention

This goes back to something I have discussed in the past, how we can get addicted to our depression (or other mental illness). It’s easy, far too easy, to awaken to avoidance behaviors. Psychology actually supports this, but it does not use the same words.

We create pathways in our brains, like a well-traveled road with ruts in them. Our thoughts follow these ruts as a wagon would on a road. It is the path of least resistance. If you travel them for years, decades, as I have, it is difficult to rewrite the pathways.

It is far more than ruts on the road for me at this point. It reminds me of walking or driving to the green sand beach on the Big Island of Hawai’i, Papakolea. There is no road. You can hike the two miles or so, but the most common form of travel is locals will take you in their pickup trucks and 4/4’s.

The last time I was there, during Covid, I hiked. After a very short time, I found myself in this maze where the “walls” of the road were far over my head, at least 12 feet. These are the ruts the drivers cut out over decades.

What I did during the hike is what I do now each day. I set an intention. I had no idea where I was going, couldn’t see anything at times besides tall red walls of dirt, but I kept the ocean to my right and trudged. I finally made it out of the maze and to the cliffs overlooking Papakolea.

Within the depression, where I am now, I can’t see anything. It is the entire world. How do I even begin to make my way out? The ruts in my brain just lead me into a maze where I circle and circle, unable to get to a destination because I cannot see a destination.

I started setting intentions.

I started a new medication which will not have any effect on me for a while yet, up to a month or longer. It is microdosing ketamine through a company called Joyous. I researched the hell out of it. I’m afraid of drugs and medications.

The end result, supposedly, will be like something I hope they NEVER do: bring bulldozers to the road to Papakolea. I enjoy the path, the maze, the mystery, and the local drivers are incredible. But that is what the ketamine is supposed to do: level the field so I can build new, healthier pathways.

Like anything else, it takes effort on my part. There is no such thing as a magic pill. I am very big on the Mental Health Triangle I discuss in detail in episode 5. Psychiatry, psychology and self-help as the base.

My effort begins each night at 6PM. I set aside the hour for me. I take the troche where it begins dissolving into my blood steam. Dissolving is optimal here so it is metabolized by your liver and not your stomach.

With my phone off, the lights off, and a candle lit, I settle into my recliner, comfortably, to set my intention.

The first step is a guided meditation sequence where I ground myself. I imagine roots growing out of my fingertips and feet diving deep down into the earth, to ground myself there. Then, I imagine the depression, PTSD, trauma and anxiety as dark swirls within me. I breathe deep, centering myself, and imagine a bright light coming down and filling me.

I follow the light from the universe down, pushing the darkness before it. My mind, my eyes, my mouth, my throat, my chest–where my OCD forces it to branch off, hence the roots growing from my fingertips.

The light pushes the darkness from me, replacing it, pushing it deep into the earth that can take it and disperse it.

Then, I set my intentions.

I want to level the field of my mind. I want to feel more joy and happiness. I want to love myself.

Then, I get into the intentions. I want to be proactive as opposed to reactive. I want to define my life, not have it defined for me. –I’m supposed to be keeping things positive, and I do, but am using the negatives here as an example.

I want to be a writer. I want to be my authentic self. I want to follow my purpose and passion.

I settle into these intentions. They are the intentions for the hour, and the intentions for the next day. I don’t see them changing. I see them as a way to build a new path.

I then turn to my computer, to the Joyous website, where I watch a lesson and then am guided though a meditation. A damn koala falling on a roof completely blew up my mind with hilarious results yesterday, but that’s a story for another time.

Now, there is no way in hell the ketamine can be working yet. It is far too small of a dose and I have only been taking it for three days. Today will be my fourth at 6PM. I am, however, seeing results.

It’s the intention setting.

The depression is still very much there, but it has altered. Instead of it being my world, the entirety of it, it has become a landscape. It is a dark, dreary landscape, but it is something now that I can walk through. I have placed my intention before me, and an ocean to my right, and have direction when I wake up in the morning.

It is not easy. I wake up and those avoidance behaviors swamp me. As a high functioning depressive, I can react, but not act. It’s tough to explain but I’ll try in another column. When I wake up in the morning, without a job, there is nothing to react to so the avoidance behaviors call to me. Starting the day intentionally helps.

It’s a step forward. A tiny step, but a step all the same.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up and won’t be in a battle. That’s my hope. That’s my intention. For now, I’ll be putting my story out into the universe. That too, is a step.

Aloha.