Guided by Loneliness

Do not allow loneliness to be your guide.

I’ve seen the post on social media often over the years. “What would you say to your younger self?” I’ve answered with jokes, self-deprecation, and sometimes I am somewhat serious. The last time I saw the post, this clicked into my head:

Do not allow loneliness to be your guide.

It will lead you to awful places and far, far from the path of authenticity and self-actualization. It will take you down a rabbit hole of illusion and false prophets. It will lead to the wrong people that will further take you deeper into a land not meant for you.

Loneliness as your guide will lead you away from the people, places and things that could help you. It’s a trap of self-fulfilling prophecy. Loneliness as your guide will just lead you to greater loneliness.

I think that one of the most difficult things about therapy is gaining the knowledge I wish I had had long ago. The guilt of “what if’s” can lead to a rising tidal wave that can sweep me away. But now? I need to face it, accept the tidal wave, and know that I have become grounded enough to face the fury of that tidal wave. I need the tidal wave to hit, wash away the guilt, the “what if’s,” and the false prophets so I can walk into my authentic future.

Anger is considered a secondary emotion. To remove the anger, you need to get at its source. What pissed you off? For me, it was usually pain, abandonment, or those “what if’s.”

I think loneliness is also a secondary emotion. It has a cause. To work on it, you need to figure out what the cause is. You also need to take steps to not only end it, but end the habits that make you lonely.

I’m working on it.

On social media, I often see the anniversaries of being clean and sober. I always congratulate them. I won’t get into how drugs and alcohol is a rabbit hole that loneliness can lead you down. I’m going to discuss it from my perspective, my addiction, my rabbit hole.

I have an anniversary coming up, I am not sure what the date is, but I’m going to call it November 1st. Let’s give it a day so I can remember.

On the night of November 1st, 2023, I walked out of a strip club for the last time. Strip clubs were my addiction that loneliness led me into when I was 17, so 35 years ago. I justified it a dozen different ways. It was a bar that allowed me to drink. I could smoke and drink. It was the show. Eh, what man doesn’t like beautiful, naked women?

I can also honestly say that in those 35 years, I was never at a strip club when I was in a relationship.

The very simple fact is I was addicted. Loneliness was my guide that led me there and kept me there. It is a long story that involves all of the behaviors of an addiction. I spent money that I did not have, even dipped into credit cards. When I was especially poor, I would pace throughout my apartment, frantic, until the magic time, 1:30 am, which meant I could relax, because nothing would be open by the time I got there.

I wanted, needed, the touch, the illusion. It was a balm for my loneliness. It was about being approached, knowing, mentally, that it had to do with the money on the bar and it was their job, but emotionally not giving a shit. Lap dance? Sure. Private room? Absolutely–when I could afford it.

–Oh, I would like to take a moment here to say that I have nothing against working women, whether they are strippers, companions, have an OF account, or anything like that. I don’t think it is wrong. I just know it was wrong for me. No judgement.

Loneliness led me there. What were the consequences? Besides the money.

It led me away from my authentic self. It led me to relationships that were not right for me. Just like I will not have anything to do with people who do hard drugs, what people kept their distance from me because of something that was obviously a problem?

It was more than time wasted as well. What walls did that build between me and the real world? How did the desire to feel good, the instant gratification, alter my perception of relationships?

It filled a need, a void, with the wrong thing. Because it was filled, it blocked the healthy things from getting in.

I know where loneliness led me. It has been difficult, at times, to find my way back. To even figure out where the hell I am so I can begin the journey back to where I need to be. I have been at the place where I am so lost that I do not know what is the healthy past and what is not.

I might not know the path at times, the right path, but I do recognize the wrong path. The one where loneliness stands, urging me to follow him. It’s a strong pull to him at times, an addictive pull, but that is when I center myself, sip some coffee, and ignore him.

The loneliness set in long before I was that 17-year-old allowed into that bar. It began before puberty. I’ll get into the reasons later. I know it began as a coping mechanism that helped me survive as a child that I carried late into life, affecting almost every relationship.

So, yeah: let the tidal wave hit. Allow it to wash away not the loneliness, but the guide into a deeper loneliness.

You my younger self: Do not allow loneliness to be your guide.

To my older self: Do not allow loneliness to be your guide any longer.