A Journey Into Depression

An Intimate Odyssey Towards Hope

This is difficult to write. The depression is back and hope is obscured. Because of that, this is the time to write: live life louder when all I want to do is go about my day in silence.

Clawing at the words and thoughts to get them written.

I need to read my book again.

For Suicide Awareness Month, I have republished my book, adding a new title as I did not like the first one. “A Walk in My Shoes: A Journey Into Depression” became “A Journey Into Depression: An Intimate Odyssey Towards Hope.”

Hope may be obscured now, but I know it is there. I knew exactly when I began taking steps away from it and knew a moment, a few steps, may take me down a path I’d rather not go. I did it willingly, sacrificing my mental health journey for another’s. After they get on a better path, I can return to my own. Until then, I will get through each day, with the memory of hope my compass.

This is the tricky part, the hardest to explain. Because I am highly functional, because I am able to get through the day, people cannot see or understand. Hell, in many ways, I do not understand.

“I am more than this,” I want to scream!

But the depression takes away even my voice to scream. It does not rip it away. There is no battle or fight. It begins as a soft, comfortable blanket muffling sound and action. The blanket constricts, and I am less able to do anything except react to the pressures of the day. When there is nothing else to react to, I simply escape into the comfortable blanket until the pressures of the next day force me to react.

An example? This post.

When I am doing well, this post would take me, at most, two hours to write, add links, edit and publish. Within the depression, this post has taken me over two weeks.

More examples? Read the book.

One of the purposes of the book is for people with loved ones who struggle with depression. I try to articulate what so many people cannot. I try to explain the effects depression has had on me and my life. I explore the daily struggle of living with that blanket constricting me.

Do you struggle with depression? This book is for you. Hope may be obscured now, but I know it exists. I found it before and will find it again. This book is the path I took to finding hope. It is my map to living a life free of the effects of depression. It is an odyssey towards purpose.

You are welcome to join me on my journey. The one that I took and the one I need to take again.

More later…